just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
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