So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
