How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
