Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
