I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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