am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Ketchup is God's man juice
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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