True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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