im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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