I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize