My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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