I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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