Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
