I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
