I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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