Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
