Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I just cut my nipple shaving
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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