If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
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