did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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