Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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