I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
