bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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