i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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