I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
