i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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