Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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