that's an acceptable place to lick
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
