Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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