Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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