So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
