how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
