It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
