Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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