i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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