just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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