I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
