Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
