Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
