I am puke
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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