you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
