They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I wish you could order shots online.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
