So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
