I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
where are my eyebrows?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
