I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
