Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
