Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Welp...herpes.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
