good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
