My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
