Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize