She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
