i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize