Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
