but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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