I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
My cat gives me a boner
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
