Pants 0. Shit 1.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
