I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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