matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
