were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
