his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
