Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
