how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
