I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Alive.
So much puke
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
