3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
