It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
last night I used snow as a chaser
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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