I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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